By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
