The best revenge is premature balding
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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