You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
