You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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