when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Randomize
