Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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