cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
