I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
