i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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