he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
