You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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