i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
