ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I need moral support for this bender
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
