My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
