Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
