i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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