i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Randomize
