The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
