saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
