update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
