hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
