you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
