You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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