At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
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