is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I love you. Go after that dick
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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