im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
