I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Your cock deserves a montage
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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