I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
