Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
