So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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