I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
