You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
