Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
