You really coming over, don't trick.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
