A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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