I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
