it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
