Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
