I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
