Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
