I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
