She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
