You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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