if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
we're so committed to being not committed
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
