Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
