I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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