i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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