Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
