Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize