Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
There was a lot of him and a little penis
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Less talking, more tequila
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
