I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
